I Ain't Your 20-cents Chewing Gum

I'm kinda in a rather frustrated mood these days. At first, it was only due to the academic stress that I ALWAYS have, but because exams are near, it gets even severe.

The next thing is....my friends.

How ironic is it as I typed the word "friends". To be honest, I don't even know who my friends are right now.

Although this question has been bothering me for quite some time, I didn't wanna to spill it out in black and white words especially on my blog as I don't want those "friends" to think that I'm insulting them in public. However, I have reached my limit of being all sweet-and-nice. Hello, I am not your cupcake nor macaron!

I am human. I have a heart. I have feelings. I have flesh - I feel pain, I bleed, alright! Get your facts right. More importantly, I'm NOT the nicest person in the very first place.

This morning I woke up with quite a good mood because I dreamt of Danson Tang, my favourite Taiwanese actor-cum-singer, then I saw a bunch of messages on FB and Whatsapp from those "friends" and my mood crashed right away.

Finally, I have decided to just write out all my frustrations here. Since when do I have to take into account what those "friends" think about me? If I can't release my thoughts on my blog, then why am I even a blogger to begin with. My blog is my very own Unicorn World. Take it or leave it!

I don't wanna care so much anymore from now onwards.

I am that kind of person who trusts people by default. That's why I trust my friends a gazillion percent more than they trust me. And there comes the problem. If I were to lose a friend, I feel like a bullet had just gone through my flesh. But to them, I guess I'm just a piece of their 20 cents chewing gum.

If my friends were to ask me to do something that is within my ability, without a doubt, I would definitely do it for them. However, I just figured out, the more things I do for them, the more they are asking from me, and the more they are taking me for granted. And when I were to ask them for a very tiny favour, they would say no, or they would just ignored my Whatsapp message or they would just come up with some bullshit excuses that can't even fool a 5-year-old kid and shove it in my face. Do you think that I am mentally retarded?

I have been trying so hard to hynoptise myself that I shouldn't be angry over the fact that my friends don't give a shit about me because friendship is not about EXPECTING something in return. However, I will get tired. Why is it always me doing the giving? And IF, you sincerely show me your gratitude, or at least, care about me once in a while, I seriously won't mind ANYTHING I've done for you so far.

To me, I rather not to hear the word "Thank You" because nowadays, everyday, everyone is abusing it so much. Just like "I Love You" and "Sorry". These words should not be treated like LOL! We all now that when you type LOL, most of the time you are NOT laughing at all. Hence, stop throwing words that you don't mean around everywhere if not some idiot like me would take it seriously and would get hurt because I'm willing to dodge the bullet for you, but you are the one who is firing that gunshot.

I care about my friend. And perhaps, it is because this fact, I'm the one who gets hurt very deeply by the things my friends do to me. You know how helpless and hopeless I felt when I realise that whenever I need help. There's nobody there for me.

When I twisted my ankle at home while I was all alone last year (I didn't have a housemate last year), I called the 2 of my so-called-"besties" but you know what they told me? One of them said that "I have a lunch date with my other friend, you take care ya. be safe" and the other told me "I'm with another friend in the library".

And that's the end of the story.

I needed someone to help me get out of the house because I didn't have the energy to even stand up. In the end, I managed to deal with it myself. I managed to limp out my house and got to the school clinic.

Please redefine the word "bestie"! This the most ironic thing in the millenium.

Guess what even though they had done such things to me, I couldn't stop caring about them.

When I was doing an assignment with a friend last year we got stuck at a long essay question that needed us to come up with any relevant scenario and make interpretations for it. I had 1 or 2 ideas in my mind that time but because I saw that my friend was so stressed out as she didn't have any inspiration at all, I told her she could use the topics that I thought of. Then I tried to think about a totally different topic for myself (because I didn't wanna get into plagiarism trouble). Who the hell I think I was that time? Jesus? Mother Teresa? Why the hell would I give the idea to my friend without thinking a new one for myself beforehand, I just let her have it as soon as I thought about it!

I'm the biggest idiot in the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not forever remembering all these past histories every single second of my life, is just that these days, those people are asking favours from me AGAIN! Like a whole load bunch of them just came with their requests like a swarming tsunami! Which is why my mood changed so drastically after waking up this morning!

I seriously have had enough. Can they at least see me as a person with feelings?

To them, I'm just a piece of chewing gum that they can spit into the bin after I've lost my flavour. And yeah, the difference between "flavour" and "favour" is just a "L". Not that much difference yea? Is that why I'm a chewing gum to you.

Honestly, I have no idea who my real friends are these days. How shameful I was when Ken asked me "Who do you usually have lunch with in school? Who do you hang out with the most?" I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS to those questions.

Guess, my best friend is just my babe Peace....Which is my acoustic guitar.

Rather than my real life friends, I feel my net friends treat me more like a living person. They care for me.

My babe Daphne who invited me to be her bridesmaid even though I hadn't seen her, not even once and even booked me in advance to be her future kid's or kids' godmother. My so-called-BFF doesn't even care to reply my Whatsapp message, not to mention have lunch of dinner.

My babe Chanwon who shared her personal problems with me even though I'm just someone she hardly know and she's always giving me positive motivations regardless of what I'm doing. My real life friends only crash my desires to do things the FION way.

My babe Kharn Yee who shared her ambitions with me and had already made several plans to date me even though I won't be back in Penang till December. My so-called bestie for 12 years didn't even know I was already back in Penang even though I had been there for 2 weeks.

My babe Xixi who never judges me by how I dress be it my badass rocker outfits or my wannabe Korean fashion - she is forever supportive while my real life friends criticize me for being too wild to tame.

Sadly this is the real life truth. The reality is always cruel.

But I'm thankful for this blog, my Unicorn World that I created myself because I know that, whenever I feel that I'm living a Robinson Crusoe's life, it will remind me that I still have a bunch of net friends who are just a FB message or Whatsapp or Wechat message away from me.

Well, now I know that, it's time for me to let go of those people who I used to think that we are fated to be BFFs. I used to [seriously] think that "BFF" is a lifetime promise. How stupid I was. Eventually, those people would find BETTER friends to replace me.

In my opinion, I think the one of the hardest things in life is to NOT TO CARE. 

Caring "used to be" a really wonderful element in life but when someone treats your caring or rather, you, as a person, like a piece of chewing gum. Then it has lost all its meaning. 

As I reflect, letting my mind running down the memory lane until it comes back to this second, I know that I have already done my part. The rest doesn't really matter anymore. 

It's time for me to learn how to not make people happy at the expense of my own happiness and convenience.

I'll end this long ass post with one of my favourite blogger, Naomi Neo's, description about friends.

You rock Naomi! You summed it all up!

So for people out there, if one day, I have decided to stop replying you or I have decided to stop helping you and stop being a loyal 101 dalmatian with a wagging tail behind your back, don't blame me. Because you are the one who treated me like piece of unimportant chewing gum.

 ☮ Quote to share:-
永遠記住不要拿自己的熱臉去貼人家的冷屁股。因為他們不把你當一回事 ~Fion Paris Jackson 

I try to be as honest and open as I am with everything that I do because it's just, um, It helps me, you know, like whether it's stand up or singing or act. I just try to stay true.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/stay_true.html#bi8o6PE0BWJjtSV7.99